Big Pimpin' .... nah not really

Well life has certainly been very strange lately.


I found out some pretty terrible news in April, about my best friend, and after that I slowly crumbled apart like blue cheese on a salad.

It's still very bumpy from time to time, but I finally feel like things are looking a lot better now. Sure there are some issues I'm having but for the most part I'm just tired of struggling so much with these same issues time and time again.

Mainly I'm concerned about Uni. I know I'm not doing well, and a teacher of mine pretty much confirmed it for me without outright saying it. So I constantly go back and forth between the pressure from my school to create "meaningful work", my self-pressure to do the same, and the other side of me that just wants to draw cute cartoon girls and enjoy creating again. Not that I don't enjoy creating something more "meaningful" if the right idea strikes....but then I shoot myself in the foot by not being able to follow through and fullfill what I began to do in that case. I think one of the core issues is the fact that I am too much of a perfectionist, not to mention stubborn. If I am not head over heels in love with an idea, then I will not pursue it. And unfortunately good ideas take lots of time, patience, and sometimes serendipity to present themselves.

My teacher told me to be sure that I have a lot of work done when second semester begins. So now I'm really feeling the pressure. But I know if I just step back and do some planning this goal is very doable.

The trouble is, I don't trust myself. If I create these girlish, cutesy drawings that one would consider, if art, art of the Lowbrow variety, then I fear my teachers and peers will kind of lose respect for me. Geez, that sounds completely ridiculous reading it like that. But I can't get my head around it.

This week has been pretty nice though. Chris took a week off of work for our 2 year anniversary, so we've been spending time together almost constantly. We saw Wicked, and it was really prettily done but not very interesting at all. The storyline was, let's just say, less deep and moving than The Little Mermaid. And about double the length. It was still very visually appealing though.

I saw my new counselor (for the time being) earlier this week, too. It was pretty good. He gave me a lot of advice, some that I found I could actually adopt. I get to see him again in two week's time. It'll sure stink when I'm out of Uni cause I'll have to pay to see a counselor then. But I think it's something I should do anyway.

It's past 3 am now and I should go to sleep. I'm going to try to update this dealy more often, it's pretty therapeutic!